Today, as the ongoing effects of the CBT continues, I had a revelation!
During church services, for quite a few years now, I’ve really not liked The Peace and receiving communion. I knew it was linked with the whole feeling worthless, but today I realised what exactly it is about it that I don’t like.
Lots of the discussion in nutman sessions are about how difficult I find it to even hear anything positive or nice toward me, or anyone say anything which shows care in any way at all, let alone believe it. It makes me ‘squirm’ and feel a huge ‘discomfort’ – physical and mental, such that I just want to escape and go and curl up and block it out. Seems an extreme response, but that’s just how it is!
Anyway, I realised today that when sharing the peace, there is some expression of caring (although not from everyone, some just do it because ‘that’s what we do’ in the service!!) and in communion, there is also an expression of caring, from God / Jesus and the person giving out the communion.
Since one of the things I’m meant to be practising is trying to actually hear and receive these sorts of comments (then next step goes on to believing!), I have decided that I need to be partaking in the peace and communion.
This has turned waffly and doesn’t seem like a revelation / significant moment… but it was, to me, this morning!!